i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
