I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
