I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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