end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
