I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
