Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
