I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
