Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
