i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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