you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
