My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
