I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
