she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
