I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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