I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
