She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
