Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
