I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
