So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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