Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
