I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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