i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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