Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
