I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
