Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
