you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
