Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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