We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
