I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
