Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
