so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
