Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
