the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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