just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize