Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
