I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
