He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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