the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
