brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
