How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
