Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
