i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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