It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
