Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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