the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
