I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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