Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
