Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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