I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
