She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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