Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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